Thursday, 2 June 2011

What I want from E3 2011.

Well guys, it's almost that time again. The time we all get REAL giddy about new announcements, gaming sites clamour to out-rumour each other and we all sit in anticipation, awaiting the moment one gaming company delivers an announcement of Hiroshima-style proportion that see forum message boards collapse at the amount of fanboy-fury that is spewed out onto them. One of my favourite, FAVOURITE things in life happens when E3 hits, and that is fanboy rage. Now i'm no fanboy, I've been a multi-console owner from around the age of the NES/Master system, but I just love when a big company announces that one of their games, which used to be exclusive, will now be available on both systems. The rage, anger, frustrations and threats of boycotting company "X" have me almost pissing my pants with joy. Arguing over which is better, the Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, is like arguing over which of the Olsen twins you would rather screw.....whichever one you get you're going to have a great time. But if it were not for these announcements and fanboy rage, we wouldn't have videos like this one, featuring a complete and utter cretin who is so completely sexually dedicated to his PS3 he must have thought the recent PSN outage was just her having an extremely long digital period!

Just look on Youtube....the amount of people spouting the same bollocks as him is quite frightening.

Anyhoo. E3 is here next week. Runours are spilling out about what will be there, what won't be, and I for one would love to go. Maybe this time next year i'll be there, but as of now i'll just be trying to work out which live stream of the event isn't going to die as soon as I click "Watch now". I'm sure there will be a shitload of announcements over the few days that E3 is running, but the ones that I want to see follow right about under these words:

1. NO Kinect use in Mass Effect 3.

That's right, No Kinect use in the game at all. What I really want to see from Mass Effect 3 is some more of the RPG elements that made the first game so fun. I want to see half planet scanning/half planet exploring. I want to see the return of customisation to armour and weapons that was in the first, so scopes, rifle butts, all the stuff that made it actually fun to navigate a menu. However cool selecting your galactic destination with the point of a finger "Minority-Report" style may be, I don't want to see it. Why? Because it means i'll have to put my fucking hand in my pocket and actually buy one of the bloody things. If it has Kinect enabled features there is no way on earth that I will pass it by, and I don't usually have £100 lying about just to splash out on something. Of course, if some MS-working employee is reading this blog, i'd gladly take one for "review-purposes".

2. Nintendo to release something fucking "New" for their next console.

Yeah, it's going to be more powerful than the Xbox 360/PS3.....i'd fucking expect so for a new console. Their tech is what.....5 odd years old now? I'm expecting it to visually fuck my eyeballs to orgasm. The thing I want from Nintendo is some new games. Make a new Excitebike! Make a full 3D online Pokemon game. Something new. I already know what the fuck we'll have. Come on, it's Nintendo, it's not hard. "New even wider track edition of Mario Kart". "New same old Zelda game that looks better but plays the same as the god-damn tired last 4 games". "New Wii fit with brain training". "New Mario galaxy 3...this time with Fludd". "New old but new Pilotwings....set again on Wulu Island". All you Nintendo fans can cry all you like....but if you even DARE cheer as Shiggsy takes to the stage with sword and shield in hand and shows the same old Zelda game that looks "realistic" i'll personally stick the Hero Sword right up your arse crack. When Nintendo took a chance and made what is HANDS DOWN THE BEST 3D ZELDA GAME EVER......The Wind showed Ninty at their best. If you make the new Zelda game look like it's characters are marionettes, with almost stop-motion animations and graphics then we will talk. Graphically tart up a 13-yr old game and you have lost me.

3. Nintendo to take advantage of the 3DS.

As simple as that. Get the devs on board and take the VR stuff, the camera, everything that makes it such a potentially devastating handheld and convince people that are sitting on the fence. You have created this glasses-free, 3D is the time to unleash it.

4. Sony NGP to bomb.

I shouldn't really say stuff like this, as I don't really hate anything. Well, that's a lie, I hate everything until it proves me otherwise. I just hate Sony's attitude when it comes to stuff like this. Nintendo show some kind of innovation when it comes to products....Sony's answer is to just chuck pure brute force and processing grunt at anything that comes it's way. And the NGP is yet another in the long, long list of Sony products that promised the earth when they make the initial announcement, and then quickly change when they realise how expensive/pointless that they are. Remember all that bollocks about the PS3 being able to render two-separate HD signals? Yeah me too. Never happened. This is the usual bollocks you get from Sony about a new console when it's ready to be released.

Remember all that shit in Warhawk? No, me neither. I do however, remember the time when I saw someone on my team glitching, having an epileptic fit as his head was wedged in a barn door. So from the dream, to reality.

That's be the "power" of the Cell eh, Bishop??

I don't want games on a handheld to be "as" powerful as my home consoles. That's why I play them at home. Handheld consoles are perfect for the bus, the train, for taking a big dump or something to play when the missus wants to watch "Britains got mentally challenged talent", and bite-sized, enjoyable games are perfect for that. Make something like the next Tetris and i'll plump in for the NGP. I'm never, EVER going to make a purchase is it's a continuation of the PSP. You have cameras on there, power, and that weird rubby panel on the back....INNOVATE YOU CRETINS!

5. A new Metal Gear game.

A new games in the Metal Gear series. That's all. Oh, and to confirm the rumour that Peace Walker will get a release on the PS3. I'll wank myself silly to any of the above.

6. Final Fantasy VII remake.

I'd actually prefer a remake of FF VI, as I think hands down it's the better game, with the greatest videogame bad guy in the history of digital entertainment. That will never happen, and what with the entire Final Fantasy almost begging Square/Enix to make this well, i'll have to say i'm with them. A few rules though. No voice acting, that is the first. No messing with the combat/materia system, probably more important. And next, just a visual upgrade. Do what you have to do for the world map or whatever, but DO NOT MAKE THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME 3D. Make each screen look like a bloody oil painting, make the characters 32,000,000,000 polygons each, I don't care, just keep the game as it is. Visual and aural upgrades...that is all. I mean really.......who wouldn't want to play this??

I thought not. I had an erection a mile high all of the way through watching that.

So that's my E3. Deliver all of that and i'll be very happy.

Well, that and the announcement that Gears of War is PS3 bound, or that FF VII is coming to the 360. THEN we will have an E3 to remember.

*Disclaimer. This is the opinion of Gamefreakblog. Any fanboy rage directed it me will firstly be welcomed, then laughed at. By all means let me know your thoughts. As always, they are greatly appreciated*

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